did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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