Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
