What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
she looked like the before picture.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
