Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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