My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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