Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
