god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
