I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
