I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
