turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
