What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
