Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
