ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
