he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
