The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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