fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
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I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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