All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I want to be your penis for a week.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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