Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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