im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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