Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
