tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You brought string cheese to the strip club
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
