You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
