I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
