I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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