I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
