I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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