I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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