I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
