nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
