3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
