My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
