Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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