just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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