And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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