So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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