just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
