Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
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She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
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Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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