guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
