New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
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