I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
