This is not my ceiling
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
