unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
