Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
