I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
