cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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