bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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