I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
