im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
