Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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