Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
