God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
