i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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