woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
