I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
