Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
