This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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