the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
