P.S. I can't hear my feet
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
