Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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