he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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