so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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