I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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