he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
