Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
